Let’s look at attitude first: What’s the purpose in giving someone feedback? To let off steam? Then, I button my lips. To put someone down? Button lips. To appear knowing? Lips. If I am interested in improving the working relationship,alerting someone to a potential blind spot, and improving team productivity, I can give feedback. If the time is right.

Now timing: Have we enough time for a conversation? Feedback is not done while passing by on the corridor. Is the other person open to feedback? Perhaps, they’re having a bad day and are not in the mood. If they don’t say yes, I let them live without my observation for a little bit longer.

So far, so easy. Now comes the tricky bit: technique.  how I give feedback in three steps:

1. I describe what I observed,
2. its effect on me, and
3. what I expect in the future.

The first step is a challenge, because most people state their interpretation or judgement of what happened, not thebehaviour itself. The statement needs to be clear (anything else will trigger defensiveness) and about soemthing in the recent past (or else the person may have forgotten the incident).

For example, “your presentation was terrible” is not feedback, it’s a put-down. “When you present your conclusions before you show the supporting data, I feel confused and frustrated. In future, I expect you to show the data first” is feedback.

“You ran that meeting brilliantly” is praise, not feedback. While the receiver basks in the glow of praise for a while, they may be none the wiser what it is they did that helped them to run the meeting so well. “The way you summarised the discussion at regular intervals in yesterday’s meeting helped me follow the complicated discussion more easily and to reach a decision. I’ve heard similar comments from other participants. Please keep it up!” That’s feedback.

In the first case, the recipient knows what they need to consider improving; in the second, they know where one of their skills lies. There is no substitute for practice when it comes to feedback.

(Photo: Bartco)

The second path to curiosity for leadership is to view things from another person’s perspective. It’s a common pitfall not to do this. In a recent coaching conversation, a manger was telling me about how one of their direct reports had turned hostile and rude. They couldn’t understand why. As we talked further, it became clear that this hostility had surfaced after a meeting in which the manager had helped their direct report reshape their project (and in the process handover a good chunk of the responsibility to another colleague). All very logical. Once they began to think about how this looked from the report’s perspective, they realized what had gone wrong and how they could raise this topic and get the relationship back on track.

Good questions to ask yourself include: What do they think about this? How do they feel about it? How does it impact them or others? Many leaders find it difficult to answer these questions. They protest that they have no clue what their people are thinking or feeling. Perhaps not. However, that’s an invitation to start learning and take the time to get to know their people. Some people protest that they don’t have time for this. Yet they never stop to count the cost in time, results and frayed nerves to deal with what results from not having invested in these relationships.

A word to the wise: only make this investment in your leadership, if you are genuinely interested in your people.

Photo: Sarahnaut / flickr

Managers have answers; leaders ask questions.

Lawyers only ask a question (in court) when they already know the answer; leaders ask questions to which they don’t have the answer. They are curious. This curiosity pays dividends.

By asking questions, leaders engage their followers and tap into the knowledge and experience of their team. They have let go of the need to have the answer. Instead, they focus on being able to recognize the answer when they hear it. Certain types of questions hinder this curiosity, others support it.

Let’s start by looking at a couple of types of questions that hinder. The first type is closed or yes/no questions. They suffer from two main drawbacks. First, they require no thought or reflection to answer. Second, the presuppose the answer and strait jacket the search for answers. The very opposite of letting go.

The second type of question that’s not very helpful is “why”. It doesn’t help to promote understanding, since, in many cases, it can trigger defensiveness. If you don’t believe me, just observe your own inner response when someone asks you why you did or didn’t do something. The idea behind the question is to gain understanding. to do that, we need to ask other questions.

Questions that support curiosity come in different forms; they all strengthen leadership. One basic form is the open question, where we probe for more information by inviting the other person to give us information. Notice the difference between the following two questions:

1. Will  the report be finished by Friday?
2. What else do you need to do, to complete the report?

The first one is a standard yes/no question. It can be answered without the person needing to think. Since many people find it difficult to say no, you get the default answer of “yes” and are none the wiser. The second question, however, requires the person to think for a moment. As they begin to outline what else they need to do, you can begin to see whether or not you need to probe more deeply for information, or whether you need to take supportive action to help them achieve the goal.

Tomorrow, we explore another form of question that supports curiosity.

Photo: Marek Uliasz / iStockphoto

Memo to self: Let go of outcome. Enjoy the ride. Trust it’ll be a good one.

Photo: Floortje / iStockphoto

When leaders operate under the illusion of control, it’s a sign that their ego is running the show. Sometimes this is a good thing (it reminds them to get to a meeting on time), sometimes it leaves no space for a good way to emerge to meet their current challenge.

However, this show running comes with a hefty price tag: we end up investing a lot of our mental bandwidth thinking about what has already happened — and we can no longer change – or what might happen – and we cannot truly influence. Maybe it would be more accurate to replace “thinking” by “worrying” in the previous sentence.

A simple tool to pull our thoughts back to the right here, right now, is simply to focus our attention on our breathing. This helps us to allow our leadership to emerge. Breathe deeply and slowly. In. And out. In. And out. After a few deep, slow breaths, the mental chatter drops several decibels. We begin to notice what’s happening inside. On a good day, we can enjoy a quiet mind for a moment or two. Then it becomes clear what to do or say. I was introduced to this technique about twenty five years ago, at a time when I had spent days worrying deeply about how to solve an at-the-time big problem. Within a few minutes of starting, I had no chatter in my mind for the first time in a week, and in a further thirty seconds, I could see a clear path to a solution.

A typical problem with this simple technique is that, sometimes, our thoughts don’t quieten. My experience is that that occurs when my attention stays with my thoughts instead of moving to my breathing. It’s like, when you go for a walk in the park and a puppy bounds over to you, wanting to play. If you studiously ignore him, he’ll eventually give up and go look for a different playmate.

What happens, when you ignore your puppy?

Photo: Felix Möckel / iStockphoto

During my integrative coaching training, I experienced, for the first time, the power of a tool, “The Left-Hand Column”, based on an article by Rick Ross and Art Kleiner in “The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook”. Here’s how you can use it to help you develop some powerlessness. Choose a difficult problem from the recent past (perhaps, something from your “Powerlessness Inventory”) that involves an interaction with someone else and describe it briefly, in a few sentences.

Now divide a sheet of paper with a line down the middle; label the right-hand column “what we said” and the left-hand “what I was thinking and feeling”.Record the conversation you had in the right-hand column. If it’s about a situation in which you only held the conversation in your mind, write that down. (In either case, you may need more than one piece of paper.)

The next step is to review the conversation and, in the left-hand column, write down what you were thinking or feeling, but didn’t say.

The fourth step is to reflect on the two columns. Sometimes it helps to put the pages away for a few days and then reread. Through the distance of time, it is easier to notice and learn. Sometimes it’s helpful to discuss the pages with a coach. Some questions to help your process of inquiry:

• How have I contributed to this situation?
• What stopped me from saying what was in my left-hand column?
• Over what was I powerless?
• How might the conversation be different, if I allowed myself to be powerless? (Write down the new version of the conversation.)
• How do I intend to behave in the future?
• What do I need to support this behavior?

Give yourself some time to complete the exercise and reward yourself afterward for a big step forward.

Photo: Andreas / flickr

The first tool is the Powerlessness Inventory. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into three columns: (a) Event or Situation, (b) What I felt the need to control, and (c) Mine or Not Mine?.

In (a) list any recent situation in which you felt stressed or under a lot of pressure. Be specific. “Staff meetings” is too vague. “In last Monday’s staff meeting, when Dave told me that his project will not make its next milestone on time” is specific. Don’t worry if you have lots of examples. Most of us do! This will help you to identify patterns and themes that are helpful for you to look at.

Then go through the list and fill out column (b). For example, in the example above, “I promised my boss that this project will meet all its deadlines. In addition, I feel disappointed in Dave, since he promised me that this would run smoothly.”

Finally, column (c). To complete the example: “Not mine: I am powerless over whether the project meets its milestones. Mine: I have power over my own feelings.”

When you study (c) you will probably notice recurring themes. These are topics that you can begin to address. In particular, watch out for themes that you label as “Mine”, if they are not part of your thoughts, feelings and actions. The thoughts, feelings and actions of someone else, belong on their list, not yours. This is the beginning of some important and lasting self-learning and a few steps along the path to better leadership.

Photo: DarkFrame / flickr

That’s just how it is in the workplace, when we hold on to outcomes outside our control. By letting go, we can, in the words of Anthony De Mello, “perceive clearly; respond accurately”. We have the chance to see the situation as it is; we have the chance to access our whole mind. Then it is usually clear what needs to be done and who needs to do it.

Another benefit of this approach in leadership is that others can trust us more; they can rely on us not behaving hectically. It strengthens the bonds of trust. Those who exercise this form of leadership, report that others are willing to help them reach their goals and cooperate with them readily. In the next installment, we look at some practical ways to strengthen “perceive clearly; respond accurately”.

Photo: Jan Rihak / iStockphoto

Once the panic passes, a natural question to pose is: if I am not in charge, who or what is? The answer to this question is not simple; however, it points to a very useful principle in leadership – trust. The question could just as easily be formulated as, in what or whom do I trust?

If trust is so important, can it be developed, or is it innate? My experience suggests that it can be developed. For a variety of reasons I won’t go into now, I had developed a basic principle in life that people had to earn my trust. My default position was mistrust. Now, it is almost impossible to earn the trust of someone who’s default is mistrust. I couldn’t trust people to work to my standards; in my first management position, this resulted in lots of work and control issues for me, and a pretty easy ride for everyone else (I was doing the stuff I really should have delegated!). I took a long hard look at this and reluctantly admit, I was no longer able to trust myself to deliver the work to my standards. That’s when I decided to give people an advance payment of trust and see what would happen. I was not disappointed: given the chance, they began to reach the standards I set. My workload dropped, so that I could supervise them, help them to develop, and take care of my own duties.

What has helped you to develop trust? How does this impact your leadership?

Photo: Paul Kline / iStockphoto

The chart here shows nine different themes of avoidance, sorted according to Enneagram Style, that particular people attempt to control in their lives in order to avoid something that for them is deeply unpleasant. For example, people of  Style Nine (the Peacemaker) tend to place a high value on harmony and correspondingly find conflict deeply unpleasant. Therefore, they often attempt to mange their surroundings so that conflict won’t arise. One way to do this is simply to ignore a conflict (through which it often worsens); this strategy is pretty common in the workplace. Many leaders that I coach simply hope that the conflict or one of the conflict partners will go away (especially when one of them has a fixed-length contract ). Another way is to ask their team or colleagues about a given problem or question and go along with what they suggest. Once they notice this, they begin to improve their leadership.

Style One (the Reformer) wants to reform the world thus attempts to exercise control to eliminate or avoid errors or mistakes. They like setting up processes that ensure the elimination of error. People of Style Two (the Helper) try to exercise control so that they – and their help – are needed. Who wants to be superfluous? I guess you begin to get the picture.

If you already know your Enneagram Style, I’d love to hear about your avoidance patterns; if you don’t yet know your Style, which of the words jumps out at you?