The first tool is the Powerlessness Inventory. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into three columns: (a) Event or Situation, (b) What I felt the need to control, and (c) Mine or Not Mine?.

In (a) list any recent situation in which you felt stressed or under a lot of pressure. Be specific. “Staff meetings” is too vague. “In last Monday’s staff meeting, when Dave told me that his project will not make its next milestone on time” is specific. Don’t worry if you have lots of examples. Most of us do! This will help you to identify patterns and themes that are helpful for you to look at.

Then go through the list and fill out column (b). For example, in the example above, “I promised my boss that this project will meet all its deadlines. In addition, I feel disappointed in Dave, since he promised me that this would run smoothly.”

Finally, column (c). To complete the example: “Not mine: I am powerless over whether the project meets its milestones. Mine: I have power over my own feelings.”

When you study (c) you will probably notice recurring themes. These are topics that you can begin to address. In particular, watch out for themes that you label as “Mine”, if they are not part of your thoughts, feelings and actions. The thoughts, feelings and actions of someone else, belong on their list, not yours. This is the beginning of some important and lasting self-learning and a few steps along the path to better leadership.

Photo: DarkFrame / flickr

That’s just how it is in the workplace, when we hold on to outcomes outside our control. By letting go, we can, in the words of Anthony De Mello, “perceive clearly; respond accurately”. We have the chance to see the situation as it is; we have the chance to access our whole mind. Then it is usually clear what needs to be done and who needs to do it.

Another benefit of this approach in leadership is that others can trust us more; they can rely on us not behaving hectically. It strengthens the bonds of trust. Those who exercise this form of leadership, report that others are willing to help them reach their goals and cooperate with them readily. In the next installment, we look at some practical ways to strengthen “perceive clearly; respond accurately”.

Photo: Jan Rihak / iStockphoto

I’ve experimented with shorter breaks and found them beneficial, both to me (I recharge my ideas bank) and to my customers (who benefit from these). Sagmeister’s talk has set me wondering, what would it be like to take a longer break … would the benefit be even greater?

Make sure to watch the entire film, the final sequence is a peach.

“Should you …”: My life used to be full of shoulds, each of them generating another chunk of guilty conscience, when I wasn’t able to live up to the Should. Then I stumbled upon Virginia Satir’s wonderful little book Making Contact
. It opened my eyes to how full of  Shoulds my life had become and introduced me to the choicemaking game of replacing each Should by a Could and testing out the new question. So,  “Could you be working on vacation?” Now I have an element of choice. I can choose to work, or not, without suffering from a guilty conscience.

Where does ‘work’ stop and ‘life’ begin?

When are you ‘on’ and when are you ‘off’?

I talked about the first of these two questions  yesterday, so just scroll down a few lines. The second is a great question when looking for life balance. The When is not so important, just as long as there are both off and on phases. ‘On’ can be seductive, it often provides a rush. However, with too much ‘on’ and, over time,  the body eventually responds less well to stressful situations. We also need our ebb and flow.

Work-Life Balance is a failed term. It suggests that work is somehow not a part of life and we need to get some form of balance between these two concepts. That’s old dualistic thinking at its worst. We need to recognise that work is an important part of life, but just a part. What we need is to find a fluid and dynamic balance between the different parts, so that life is enriched and enriching.

From Barry’s article:

Way #1.Work as long as hard as you want during the day. Get to work early, leave late, but when you go home, leave your work at work.

Obviously, the author of Way #1 has never met my iPhone. We live in a 24/7 world. Get used to it.

One of my former bosses used to practice this pretty well; then again, few people had mobile phones in those days. A statement like Way #1 can push buttons – it’s useful to pause for a moment and reflect which ones. It may give you a hint about some aspect of life that is not getting enough attention right now.

Over time, for well-being and health, we need to ensure we pay attention to different facets of our lives. More iPerson and less iPhone. The level of attention will change from month to month, day to day, moment to moment, depending what is going on. A basic collection of facets looks like this:

• work
• primary relationship
• kids
• family of origin
• friends
• social
• hobbies
• self

As I wrote the list, I imagined some people thinking, “oh no! Even more things I need to schedule or put on my ToDo list!” It doesn’t have to be like that. In a given phase of life the relative importance between these facets changes. Not all will be present in any given week. It’s when they’re not present, week after week, that our well-being suffers.

“Only connect” is not the answer. Neither is regimenting life  strictly. Many self-organization systems like Getting Things Done recommend a once-per-week review of all ToDos and projects in life. I wouldn’t suggest turning my partner, family, friends, hobbies and self into a project. It is worth spending a few minutes during the review to notice if you’re satisfied with the level of attention each has received in the past week. If, over time, the answer is “no”, it’s a sign you’re drifting from your balance point.

The reasons for drift are often linked to our personality structures. For example, in Enneagram terms, many Type Three’s focus on success at work, and the other facets suffer. Often, Type Two’s focus on the relationships in their lives (relationship, family, friends). Many One’s tell me they’re driven by a sense of duty to ensure that all tasks (work and home) are done, so any left-over time can be used for hobbies and self (not that there ever is left-over time!). Sometimes, Types Six or Eight focus on social justice, often at the cost  work and family. And we Type Nines just sometimes forget to focus at all.

It’s important just to notice the drift – this may be enough to get back on track. Remembering to say “no” more often in certain areas of life may be needed. Or maybe you could benefit from a couple of hours with a coach.

What helps you keep your life balance?

One practical way to develop leadership talent is to help people develop a vision for life balance. This needs to be dynamic, since our needs can change quickly. Several months ago I was on my way home by train from a strategy workshop for a customer. I was looking out the window and beginning to savor the upcoming week visiting the IRB in Barcelona. Work was very much front and center. Suddenly my mobile phone rang; it was my father, “your mother isn’t well!”. That from someone who seldom phones (for the record: I see it as my happy filial duty to call them, not vice versa). In an instant, the importance of work had faded and I began to think about who could cover for me in Barcelona, should I need to travel home. (It turned out to be nothing more than a scare, thank God!)

Many instruments help with identifying this balance, one of which, Petzold’s 5 Pillars, I will return to another day. (I had hoped just toi be able to give a link to the information, but I didn’t find a good link in English.) The next step is to identify sources of imbalance (usually quite easy once the picture of balance is there) and then develop strategies and action plans to move towards this balance.

Another approach is to look at your current situation through the perspective of others: where would the following people say that your life is imbalanced or “out of whack”: partner or spouse, boss, business partner, direct report, colleague, friend. It’s a good exercise to ask yourself what they would say; if you don’t get an answer, then ask them directly.

So, where is your life out of whack today?